Its 2:55 pm
I just wrote a message to a man that I grew up with in a different life. After not hearing from him for 28 years,I got a phone call a few weeks after Lori passed away. I was still in my numb state and I talked with him for over a hour. His life was just trashed beyond belief…he and his were both narcotic users,had a baby,were staying in fleabag motels,absolutely broke,etc,etc….I will say he asked me for nothing which looking back with rather amazing in itself. But that was the last time I talked with him…..until this week. This week he popped up on FB finding me through my brother and using his wife’s profile. That was a bit weird when I got a friend request. I didn’t block it as I usually do when I get a request. The profile mentioned my old hometown so I did ask how this person and I might have known each other.
Then the guy I knew said it was him and didn’t I recognize him from the picture!? Its been 30 years since I have seen him so no,I had no idea who I was looking at. Well,we chatted for a bit before we both signed off.
I got to thinking about it and the past 30 years….how we travel different paths. Some folks I have not seen in 30 years but was able to not only able to pick up the friendship but deepen it as well. But other times its just best just to let it go. I have thought hard about this….it wasn’t easy.
So I wrote him a letter and said my goodbye. I don’t know if its the right or wrong thing to do…..only that its my choice and I made it.
Been trying to find the right words to put down here ever since we chatted the other night. This isn’t easy for me but it is where my heart is.
I have decided that we should not stay in contact. The reasons are many and various but that simple fact is we don’t know each other anymore. We have not seen each other 30 years and our paths have simply gone in different ways. While I do have some nice memories of Ontario,95% of what I remember is toxic and negative. So many lives destroyed and lost,including Peter. Oh,he died in Bremerton but the damage was done on Sunkist.
I don’t understand how the hell you got where you are today,X. You had such a golden chance to have a good life..serving your country,having a chance to use the G.I. Bill to go to school,a step up in getting a federal or state job. I was stunned when I found out you went AWOL. I couldn’t believe it,I thought it was a bad joke.
But it wasn’t and I guess I am answering my own question as to when you started to slip.
But instead of correcting things,you got into heavy drug use….DESPITE watching so many of our peers die or land in prison because of drugs. Your own brother and sister strung out on heroin for pity’s sake. You knew better….you and I stayed away from that shit,remember? So why you embraced that just boggles the mind.
This is not the X I knew and loved like a brother. That man had honor,courage,a thirst to learn,went to church,could be trusted. That person is long gone.
I still think about your phone call two years ago…you got my number from Christine,I know she told you about what I was going through with losing my wife…but you NEVER once asked about her or how I was doing,not once. Only that you were sleeping outside with no money…..staying in crappy motel rooms,that your wife was a heroin user. I can’t express how angry that made me,X. Yow two CHOSE your destiny,what really is a shame is you brought a child into this shitty world you are in. The old X would have enough moral courage to let the child GO and be adopted because he knows he isn’t even close to being a strong father. That day may come and with 8 months sober,you do have a chance if you want it. But hearing how you were going to court to try and get him back,well that was the last straw. I don’t know if your wife is even sober,if she even is working. You have no stable housing,no car to be able to take him to the doctors or anywhere else a child needs to go but instead of letting him go and have a chance for a life,you would bring him back and let the cycle start again.
Again,the man I grew up knowing,he would never let that happen. But its your choice…..
I do wish you well. I hope you stay sober,you and your wife. In another life with different choices,I would have loved to resume a friendship and brotherhood with you. But as it stands,its not going to be anytime soon and that is my choice. I too,have changed,I am not the same person you know. I have a lot of pain and broken parts and am barely able to put one foot in front of the other. We are on different paths,you and I.