It’s 9:17 pm
The cheetah flexing his paws,he wants me to give him some treats and the open door to look out of. The sky is hazy,could it rain later? I don’t know that either.
I got my blogging music up and running and I need to get a cup of iced coffee.
So yesterday marked the 3rd year since Lori Ann passed away from uterine cancer.
I tried to write about it many times,sat here in front of my computer and attempted to put something down. I reached into myself and looked for something I could share…but got nothing. Just the same empty hollow and broken heart you have seen so many times before and quite honestly,how many times does one want to read that?
Most of you get it….I am who I am in this minute but I have made two choices in my future,one is private and the other is I am going to explore a support group setting.
I am going to see about the one that St. Thomas a’Beckett offers. I’ll let you know when I go and what it was like.
So what have I learned in the three years since life has become what it is?
Keep my heart open to help others
Try to encourage others facing what I am everyday
Avoid toxic people,do not give them power by engaging with them on any level
You can’t train a cheetah
Blood doesn’t make you family
Helping others helps you more then other single thing does.
I don’t have ambition anymore.
I miss being touched but I am at peace with it.
I still reach out for Lori when I first wake up.
Sisters-in-law are pretty cool people.
I have not lost my house yet
While I enjoy mowing my grass,the weeds have taken over my lawn
My brother is a outstanding human being
My birth mother is not.
Interesting people are fun to talk too.
Donating blood makes me cry (I cry in my car afterwards,have done it all six times I have given)
Decluttering gets easier as time goes by.
I need more empty photo albums
I need to fill them up.
I really hate platitudes,with a passion.
Living without Lori isn’t living.
cheetahs are very fast….even the small ones.
I am grateful for my friends and never take them for granted.
I can still write poetry….
I wish I had found Spotify much earlier.
I aimlessly worked around the house yesterday. I did laundry,dishes and had to run a couple of errands. I opened up a movie Lori had gifted me for Christmas (yes,I still have a few),”World Trade Center”. I ended up watching the Special Features disc instead of the movie itself. The cheetah slept on the cushion besides me…the film is the true story of three Port Authority cops who were trapped when the towers fell on 11 Sept 2001.
Listening to the couples talk about the aftermath of their ordeal really stuck a cord with me. They talked about how at the time of the attacks,while they were very much in love and things were good…that they had started taking certain things in their marriages for granted. Small things that you don’t think about twice about during the day suddenly became VERY important on 11 September.
I guess that is the biggest difference between a sudden tragedy and a long illness.
While sudden death leaves you grasping for “what just happened”,a long drawn out illness leaves you in a worse state because you really do understand what is happening in terms of what you are going to lose. While you quickly learn that you can’t take life for granted and that is good…
I do find myself gritting my teeth when I see couples snip and argue with each other. You can’t but hear them go at it over some of the most inane and petty shit. You just want to shake them awake and say “Work it out TOGETHER!!” I can walk away from them for the most part and do but at job,its not easy,especially when they are walking towards you asking questions and fighting as well….but you also applaud and are a little envious when you see the loving couples well,holding hands and excited about doing a project. It used to hurt a lot to see this but as of today,I look at it as a chance to remember how Lori and I were when we shopped at Lucas’s or Block’s Nursery.
I guess this is a rambling way of I don’t take things for granted,not that I really ever did. I just wasn’t wired that way.
Again,not a glamour filled entry,just one from where I am at. Feel free to leave a comment below.
If you are on Twitter,follow me @Jinzo_2400.
New interviews coming soon as well.
Please keep my friend Lamar in your prayers.
Terrie – What perfect timing in seeing you this week! Like I said,every day I think of Karen,Melanie and yourself….true angels!!! Love you very much!
Radha,Trish and Donald – Made it through!!
Cezanne – Thank you for your support always!
Rob Wolchek – Can you say “Dynasty”?
Sharon – again,thank you. We will walk this summer,I promise.
Spotify – A iPod without the struggles,awesome.
Paul Nevins – Glad you remembered me,I had a feeling my name threw you off.
You were always a class act with a huge fucking heart!!!
Shehanne – Thank you for your support as well! I always know at least Cezanne and you will read whatever I post,no matter what I post.
Loving this great song by Gretchen Peters.